mother of the year award goes to…

This woman.

She couldn’t get her 10-year-old daughter to take a shower, so she called the cops, then told them they could tase her daughter. Guys, please stand for a round of applause for this woman.

But seriously… WHO DOES THAT?

Let your daughter stink. She’ll eventually take a shower, lest she be shunned by her classmates. If not, give her a fucking Benadryl and when she’s too tired to resist, give her a bath.

And the police officer wasn’t fired for tasering a little girl, but for not using the camera attached to the taser. So it’s OK to taser little girls in Arkansas?

Another moment in WTF history.

moules frites: new adventures in seafood

mussels in a wine and cheese broth

I’ve always been very squeamish about seafood. I try to like fish, but I’m extremely particular about flavours, and I just don’t like things that are too… fishy. I’m even more particular about shellfish—mostly because I’ve eaten very little of it. When I was in Mexico the other week, I took advantage of the free food situation to try a bunch of different foods I’d never had before: grouper, octopus, calamari, different kinds of ceviche, scallops, shrimp, etc. I’m not sure I had those foods at their best though, to be honest—I tried a mussel and it was extremely chewy and kind of gross-tasting. The calamari was decent, the grouper was tasty but a bit tough (it was breaded), the shrimp and scallops were alright. I’d try them again in my own kitchen, but I’m not sold on resort food quality.

In any case, I was watching the Food Network’s Throwdown with Bobby Flay and he challenged a D.C.-area restaurant cook to a moules frites cook-off. Moules frites are: 1) mussels and 2) fries. Sounds simple! The recipe called for white wine, blue cheese, bacon, shallots and some other ingredients, and of course, mussels. I tried the recipe once, and then made my own variation for the second time, and I honestly liked both equally, for different reasons.

For your convenience, here is the recipe linked above in full:

1 pound rope grown PEI mussels
4 tablespoons blended oil (40 percent extra virgin olive oil, 60 percent canola)
1/3 cup applewood smoked bacon, diced
1/3 cup thin sliced shallots
1/4 cup Hook’s Blue Cheese, or a similar mild, creamy blue
1/3 cup white wine, preferably a dry Chardonnay
juice of 1 lemon
1/3 cup baby spinach, cleaned and destemmed
sea salt
black pepper

Heat oil in pan with bacon until bacon is rendered and is slightly browned. Add shallots and mussels and toss ingredients together. Add white wine and lemon juice and toss ingredients together.
When mussels start to open, add half of blue cheese, melting it into the broth. As soon as all mussels are open, toss in spinach. Season with sea salt and black pepper to taste.
Plate and top the mussels with the remainder of the blue cheese. Serve with a French baguette and frites.

Attempt #1:

I didn’t have spinach on hand, so I omitted it completely. And I also didn’t have shallots, so I used chives. Other than these modifications, I followed the recipe to a T. The broth was a tad salty, but it was delicious! I forgot to buy bread though, so we resorted to spooning it into our mouths. The mussels were tender—not tough, and not overwhelmingly fishy-tasting. Success!

Attempt #2:

Some weeks later, I decided to try it out again. I had been to the market earlier in the day and I had scored some fresh blue cheese and Guinness cheddar from the cheese shop. I picked up a pound of mussels for $2.50 at the poissonerie at the market, but forgot to get bacon at the butcher shop. So I decided to go bacon-less for this version, and it definitely cut the salt content. I sautéed leeks and chives together in a little butter, then put the mussels and white wine into the pan. The lemons I bought at the market never made it home (guess the guy forgot to put it in my bag) so I had to make do with two limes, which actually ended up tasting quite nice. I threw in a half-half mixture of the blue cheese and the Guinness cheddar, which is a creamy but strong-tasting marbled cheddar, and when the mussels opened up I turned the heat off.

my delicious frites

 

 

 

Because I had no white potatoes left after making the roast pork dish in the previous entry, I resorted to using my little round potatoes. I did not peel them, and I cut them into medium-thickness wedges; then I tossed them in an olive-vegetable oils blend and sprinkled generously with black cracked pepper and sea salt. I baked them for somewhere between 30 and 40 minutes at about 350F. And they were delicious.

The Guinness cheddar-blue cheese mussels were tasty—less salty, which was good, and the cheddar also melted and got to be a bit gooey, so there were nice little pieces of soft cheese to bite into. It’s nice making your own variation and it turning out well—maybe once I’ve refined it further, I’ll make it a signature dish of mine. And since I’ve discovered I’m not totally grossed out by mussels, I’d like to try making some awesome paellas and other dishes in the near future.

 

roast pork + caramelized apples

Roast pork, caramelized apples, roasted potatoes and sweet potatoes, green and yellow beans

My stepmom has been very helpful in teaching me how to cook meat by giving me instructions over the phone, and I’ve developed quite the knack for cooking it. I guess I never was meant to be a lifetime vegetarian. So, after returning from a week in Mexico where I primarily dined on resort food, I jumped right back into cooking. This time, I made my first roast pork, following my stepmom’s guidelines.

my roast, right out of the oven

I made incisions all over the roast and inserted pieces of garlic. Then I salted (and peppered) the roast, concentrating most of the salt (kosher salt) on the fat. I then seared the roast in a frying pan to lend it a nice colour, and popped it in the oven, covered with tin foil, for 45 mins. a pound. I checked the temperature with a meat thermometer to figure out when it was done, and it turned out perfectly.

My caramelized apples!

Apples are a common side for pork dishes, and so I decided to make caramelized apples. I’d never made caramel before, and without so much as a basic recipe, I made a delicious caramel sauce with some white sugar, brown sugar and butter. I made the caramel in a frying pan,  then I threw in the walnuts, then added my apples and a little cinnamon. They were sweet, no doubt, but a nice complement to the roast pork.

For the potatoes, I used both white potatoes and sweet potatoes, mostly because I only had a couple small white potatoes. But the mixture of the two went over well! My stepmom told me to cook the potatoes in the pan with the roast in the last hour of the roast’s cooking, but they ended up a bit soft, so I pulled them out of the pan when they were half cooked and spread them out on a baking sheet with a little olive-vegetable oil blend (the vegetable oil helps crisp them a bit more than olive oil) and finished cooking them that way. They were crispier than they would have been had I let them hang out with the roast, and unless they’re mashed, I don’t like soft-cooked potatoes.

Next time I’ll try my hand at roast beef. I was always a bigger fan of roast beef, but the butcher shop I frequent didn’t have any on hand. Fingers crossed!

ain’t no party like a dutch party

I’ve been toying with the idea of having a Dutch party. The idea came about through two realizations: I miss the Dutch food and traditions of my youth, and I’ve come to know a lot of friggin’ Dutch people of late. In fact, there are three that I know of within a three-block radius (excluding myself)!

As I’ve mentioned, Dutch food is not really unique in its actual nutritional food, but there are lots of Dutch sweets and treats!

Exhibit A: Stroopwafels

Basically, this translates to syrup-waffles. And the taste pretty much translates to that, as well. If nothing, the Dutch are very literal. It’s basically one waffle sliced in half to make it paper thin, and then the two layers are held together by a sugar syrup. They’re sweet, and chewy, and delicious (but in moderation… there is such a thing as too many stroopwafels).

Exhibit B: Cheese

The Dutch are known for their cheeses, particularly gouda and edam. I’m partial to gouda, though I haven’t been able to find the gouda of my youth. Maybe I just remember it tasting different. In any case, cheese is a necessity to maintain the Dutch existence. A delicious necessity.

Exhibit C: Hagelslag

An unattractive name for a delicious treat: it’s called chocolate hail, but to us North Americans, it’s basically chocolate sprinkles. But fairly decent quality chocolate, in sprinkle format. You eat it by applying some butter or margarine to (white) bread to help the sprinkles from running away, and then you apply your sprinkles very liberally.

Exhibit D: Cookies!

So many cookies! So many kinds of cookies! Almond cookies, sugar cookies, spice cookies (aka Speculaas), shortbreads, and so many others! TOO MANY COOKIES! And I want them all.

Exhibit E: Chocolate letters

My oma used to get these for us, the older grandchildren, before we became too numerous. You get the letter your first name starts with. This is usually a Christmas time thing, but it could be OK for my Dutch party, as it will likely be a small affair (I don’t know THAT many Dutch people)–I was thinking of having it in late December or early January.

And finally…

Exhibit F: Olliebollen

This blog’s namesake, and the whole point of the Dutch party, really: my beloved olliebollen. I haven’t had them in an eternity! The Wiki description kind of sounds gross, but OHMYGOD are they wonderful. Mmm Dutch donuts.

I wonder what my Dutch friends will think of this potential Dutch party…

flavourful beef stew

Okay, guys—this is no time for modesty: my beef stew is awesome. It might not be for everyone, but it has got some seriously potent flavours going on and I love them all. Today I added a couple more ingredients than the last time I made it (which was also the first time I made it), and both were equally as good—though this one may have been a bit sweeter.

You’ll need:

A bottle of thick, dark beer (my choice: McEwan’s Scottish Ale)
Molasses
Worcestershire sauce
Brown sugar
Beef cubes (or chuck, or blade roast—I prefer the cubes for this particular recipe)
Beef stock
Garlic
Veggies: sweet potato, potato, carrot, butternut squash, peas, turnip/rutabaga, leeks
Spices: salt, pepper, oregano, Hungarian paprika, cinnamon and fresh rosemary

Brown the beef in the bottom of your stew pot in some olive oil, then pour in your beer, molasses, worcestershire sauce and brown sugar, as well as some of your beef stock. The point here is to mostly cover the beef. Toss in two sprigs of fresh rosemary and let it simmer on a low heat for about 1.5 hours (for about 1.5 lbs. of beef cubes; time may vary depending on how much meat there is). All my ingredients were measured by eye, but I suspect I used about 1/3 cup of molasses and about 1/3-1/2 cup of brown sugar, and about a half-bottle of the beer. It’s all a matter of taste—you want the gravy less sweet? Add less sugar.

Anyway, once the meat starts to look nice and tender (as mentioned, after about 1.5 hours), add in the veggies (except the peas, which should be added towards the end of the cooking) and the rest of your broth, plus some water if you want to dilute the taste some.  Boost the temperature to a low-medium heat until the veggies are properly cooked (between 30-45 minutes, usually).

In terms of quantities, I used one big carrot, one small rutabaga, two small potatoes, one sweet potato, most of the stalk of one leek, two cloves of garlic and half a small squash. The squash ended up being very soft in comparison to all the other veggies, but I’m not sure whether that was a good thing. The flavours blended very well together, in any case, and the squash chunks more or less held their shape.

I’m a big fan of leeks. I usually find onions too strong-tasting, so leeks are a nice, milder alternative to onions. My love of leeks is fairly new-found, so I’m still exploring the different ways I can use them. Luckily, they’re super cheap this time of year.

Use some fresh bread to mop up the gravy; in my case, I used some fresh Belgian bread from Première Moisson. Enjoy!

Mmm, stew.

thanksgiving ed. 1: success!

My wife and I were volunteered to make this year’s Thanksgiving dinner by my stepmom, and we went all out. We made turkey, mashed potatoes, mashed maple sweet potatoes, brussels sprouts, roasted beets, peas, homemade cranberry sauce, buttermilk biscuits and stuffing, with apple pie and crème brulée for dessert (and a homemade bruschetta as an appetizer, in addition to the Guinness cheddar and brie)—phew!

Some of our veggies

It was my first time ever making a holiday dinner, and my first time ever making a turkey. Despite these two factors, it turned out rather well. Our turkey felt a bit frozen the morning of, so we gave him a cold kosher salt bath for a couple of hours before throwing him in the oven, and in the end, he cooked much faster than we anticipated (about 10 lbs in about 2.5-3 hours). The white meat was a tad dry, but not much more so than normal, and so in the end he was almost perfectly cooked, as well. My stepmom, a turkey veteran, had already arrived when we decided he was cooked, and without her being here I’m not sure I would have taken him out of the oven in time, because fucking up is easier when you’re the only one who deals with the consequences; when you’re cooking for an audience, there’s a lot of pressure to cook whatever it is thoroughly, but not so thoroughly that it’s dry. I think the first turkey is always the most daunting, and that I’ll be more confident with making them in the future. I got my brother to carve up the turkey, and then we dined.

One of my favourite dishes was the homemade cranberry sauce. Sabrina made it with a few simple ingredients: fresh cranberries, sugar, water and orange zest. The orange zest really made the cranberry sauce. I’ve never had tinned cranberry sauce, and after making it, I’m surprised people even eat the tinned sauce–it’s so simple to make from scratch!

My biscuits were also delicious. Usually when a recipe calls for buttermilk, I substitute it for regular milk, but this time I specifically went out and bought buttermilk. And it made a huge difference in the flavour of the biscuits. I prepared the dough the night before, and they turned out just fine, though I suspect they would have been even flakier had I baked them the same day. I used a recipe from the trusted Food Network:

Southern biscuits, copied from the Food Network website:

2 cups flour

4 teaspoons baking powder

1/4 teaspoon baking soda

3/4 teaspoon salt

2 tablespoons butter

2 tablespoons shortening

1 cup buttermilk, chilled

Directions

Preheat oven to 450 degrees.

In a large mixing bowl, combine flour, baking powder, baking soda and salt. Using your fingertips, rub butter and shortening into dry ingredients until mixture looks like crumbs. (The faster the better, you don’t want the fats to melt.) Make a well in the center and pour in the chilled buttermilk. Stir just until the dough comes together. The dough will be very sticky.

Turn dough onto floured surface, dust top with flour and gently fold dough over on itself 5 or 6 times. Press into a 1-inch thick round. Cut out biscuits with a 2-inch cutter, being sure to push straight down through the dough. Place biscuits on baking sheet so that they just touch. Reform scrap dough, working it as little as possible and continue cutting. (Biscuits from the second pass will not be quite as light as those from the first, but hey, that’s life.) Bake until biscuits are tall and light gold on top, 15 to 20 minutes.

Finally, my pie—this pie was probably my best pie yet. It had maybe four or five different kinds of apples in it (Cortland, MacIntosh, Paula Red and Spartan, I believe, but I might be missing one); the spice mixture for the apple pie comes from Betty Crocker, and the pie crust (previously mentioned in this blog) comes indirectly from Emeril Lagasse, though there’s nothing inherently unique about his recipe. However, the lard (and not vegetable shortening) really makes this pie flaky, and holds it together. I’m still figuring out just how sticky this dough needs to be to be perfect for rolling, as I had some difficulties with the crust falling apart as I rolled it out (I just used that crust on my “test” pie, AKA the pie we kept for ourselves). In the end, though, the pie turned out perfectly—the crust was a beautiful golden colour, the apples stood up inside the pie just right, the edges didn’t burn at all. Just look at it:

My perfect apple pie. Oh yeah, it also tasted good.

As for the crème brulée, I don’t think it turned out as well as my first attempt, as the tops really didn’t brown evenly at all. My newly purchased kitchen torch proved to be a piece o’ crap, and I gave up after 10 minutes and used the broiler method. Me thinks the ramekins should have been on a lower oven shelf. Oh well, it still tasted pretty good.

***

So to conclude, as the title may suggest, Operation Thanksgiving I did not end in turkopalypse—but I am glad Thanksgiving is but once a year.

adventures in culinary school

So, as you may know, last week I participated in a (pastry) student-for-a-day program at the Pearson culinary school in the buttfuck end of Lasalle.

… And if I didn’t already want to quit my job and run away to culinary school, now I most definitely do. Which puts everything in perspective and puts me in a weird mood.

I hated school. Well, let’s rephrase that: I hated university. I liked a lot of my classes, but after four years, the novelty most definitely wore off.* I already have a BA; what am I gonna do with more schooling? This remains to be seen. That said, I know it’s a different kind of school, a different kind of classroom and a different group of people. I think I’m just at the point in my life where I want to get going like, soon… and going back to school won’t make it happen any sooner.

*NB: Despite the debt I’m now saddled with, I’m not saying I’m not glad I went to university; on the contrary, in fact–I’m glad I had the chance to go.

Sigh.

***

Anyway, on Monday I woke up at 5:30 a.m. to get to the school on time for 8 a.m., and ended up being a good half-hour early. I was paired up with Laurel, who was definitely one of the more experienced, competent and disciplined people in the class. The professor was very nice and welcoming (even though I was wearing nail polish, a faux-pas), the class was a good size (maybe about 20 people?) and I didn’t feel at all uncomfortable. The class was only about a month into their curriculum, so it was still more geared towards beginners. We made eclairs and millefeuilles, except that the professor prepared the dough, so all we did was fill them and make fondant. I would have liked to prepare the dough myself, but I guess he anticipated the assembly being more time-consuming than it actually was.

We made three different kinds of eclairs:

• Some with chocolate-flavoured pastry cream and chocolate fondant on top;
• Some with coffee-flavoured pastry cream and chocolate fondant on top;
• Some filled with whipped cream and chocolate fondant on top (I guess we just really liked the chocolate fondant?).

The millefeuilles were made with plain-flavoured pastry cream, whipped cream and white and chocolate fondant on top.

 

a millefeuille, stolen from teh Interwebs.

Besides coating the eclairs with too much chocolate fondant, I did pretty well. I felt competent, perhaps even more so than some of the students in the class. I’d feel confident reproducing these things at home. And they tasted pretty good, although the presentation definitely needs some work. I always thought millefeuilles would be way more complicated to make than they actually were, which spells disaster for my weight loss project. Oops.

So, now I need a plan of action, and it’s going to involve a lot of baking. I think I’m going to focus on practicing techniques and trying to make new products while still working at the current place, until I feel I’m good enough to be able to really stand out in the program. I definitely need to work on making nice, clean, crisp presentations. It will involve lots of baking, and lots of feeding people my concoctions (apparently I’ve got an army of willing taste-testers?).

I guess the quarter-life crisis couldn’t be avoided, though for the longest time I thought I had. Fuck!

… Now, who wants a millefeuille?

who wants a piece of my pie?

This week, I made apple pie. Besides bringing out a lot of pervy jokes at work, it was also my most successful pie.

I’m a retard when it comes to pie pastry. I just have never been very successful when it comes to: a) rolling pie crust out and b) getting the crust in the pie plate. This time, however, I not only rolled it out nicely, I also got it into the plate with relative ease. My secret weapon? Parchment paper (see more below).

First things first: I used an Emeril Lagasse recipe for the crust and a Betty Crocker recipe for the fruit portion of the pie.It’s important all the fats are cold, as that’s what makes the crust flaky. This recipe only makes one crust, so double it if you want two.

Ingredients

1 1/4 cups all purpose flour

1 tablespoons sugar

1/4 teaspoon salt

6 tablespoons cold unsalted butter, cut into pieces

2 tablespoons cold shortening

3 to 4 tablespoons cold water

Directions
Sift the flour, sugar, and salt into a large mixing bowl. With your fingers, incorporate the butter pieces and shortening into the dry ingredients until the mixture resembles coarse crumbs. Work the ice water into the dough until it just comes together, being careful not to over work.

Form the crust into a disk shape, wrap tightly in plastic wrap and place in the refrigerator to rest for at least 30 minutes before rolling out to fit into a pie pan.

Makes one 9-inch crust. If you need a double crust pie, simply double all ingredients and cut dough in half before rolling.

I left it in the fridge for more like an hour. Then I floured the counter and the top of the pastry, then put a sheet of parchment paper on top, flattened the dough with the rolling pin, then rolled it out. My biggest problem with rolling out dough is that it always sticks to the pin no matter how much flour I use; then I use too much flour, and end up making the crust fall apart. The parchment paper really was the key to my success this time. The dough stuck to the paper, so I lifted it easily off the counter, then I laid the paper and dough down in the plate. Then, I simply peeled away the paper. Success! I hope this wasn’t just a fluke, and that it works like this from now on…

Since it’s apple time in Quebec, I’ll likely make more apple pies shortly. Are there any particular apple pie recipes that YOU love?

pork chop + spring green risotto + BBQ mushrooms

So, this is what I ate for dinner.

I really, really love having a BBQ. My dad found it around his place—it’s a little worse for wear, but it serves its purpose. And it’s the perfect size for my second-floor apartment’s balcony!

This evening, I decided to continue with my pursuit of the perfect risotto. I’ve tried two other kinds—classic risotto (but without white wine) and then a mushroom risotto (with white wine). I much preferred the mushroom risotto over the classic, and I’d have to say it still wins over this spring green risotto.

When I went to the Atwater market today, I decided to buy some vegetables I wasn’t very familiar with in the kitchen, so I bought leeks and fennel (among other things). Then I came home and typed “leeks and fennel” into the Food Network website’s search engine hoping for something good, and this risotto popped up. Since I’m on the aforementioned quest for the perfect risotto, I decided to try it out. It involves fennel, leeks, asparagus and then the classic risotto components (parmesan, black pepper, white wine), all of which I happened to have on hand. The leeks and fennel are actually pretty good in this risotto; I don’t know if I’ll do the fennel next time, but the leeks are a tasty alternative to white onions and I would use them again in a risotto. I think I’ll use the rest of my fennel for a fennel-citrus salad tomorrow.

The grilled mushrooms were done on the BBQ. I brushed olive oil onto them so they wouldn’t dry out, and drizzled some more olive oil onto them once they were plated. I had a particularly stubborn mushroom that just would not cook, so I cut it in half, dipped it in my bowl of olive oil and put it back on the grill, which actually improved my meal’s presentation.

Finally, the pork chops were purchased this afternoon at my favourite butcher in the Atwater market. I put my grill on high and laid the chops out, and didn’t touch them again until some blood rose to the surface of the raw side. Then I flipped them over, coated the cooked side with Stubbs hickory-bourbon BBQ sauce and waited some more. My previous experience with pork chops has been a bit spotty—I’m so afraid of undercooking meat that I often overcook it. However, these chops were just perfect—still moist, but completely cooked, and full of flavour thanks to the salt, pepper and Stubbs BBQ sauce. I get my Stubbs products at Les Douceurs du Marché at the Atwater market (their chicken marinade is excellent), but was disappointed with the tartness of the hickory-bourbon sauce when I first bought it, so it just kinda hung out on the top shelf in my fridge for a while. I decided to give it a second chance today, and the verdict: on chicken, it’s not so great, but it really worked with these pork chops.

I followed with some excellent coffee. The smell of the freshly-ground beans were taunting me so I gave in and had nighttime coffee. Hope I sleep tonight!

one step closer (or maybe further away)

It’s no secret I’ve recently been considering attending culinary school. Although I speak French, I fear I’m just not bilingual enough for l’ITHQ. In my quest for an anglo-friendly culinary school, I stumbled upon the Pearson School for the Culinary Arts, which has a pastry making program AND a student for a day program. The friendly guidance counsellor of the school looked into it for me, and now on Sept. 28 I get to spend the whole day in the kitchen! The class I’ll be attending is centered on creams, fillings and custards (that module is 120 class hours alone!). The guidance counsellor even asked me what size jacket I wear. I get to wear a chef’s jacket! Yesssss!

But, this is just a stepping stone, really. The program is full-time, all day, every day. And I have a job that’s all day, every day (except Sundays and Mondays), and I still owe the government $9,000 for my last educational jaunt. Luckily, these culinary schools—both ITHQ and the Pearson school—are vocational schools, which are basically like CEGEP equivalents. Which means CEGEP registration fees. Which means I’m looking at a few hundred dollars a year in school fees, as opposed to the few thousand I dropped at Concordia each year. In the year and four months I’ve been paying off my student loan, I’ve managed to shave off about $4,000, so at this rate, in another two years, I could have it paid off. Could being the operative word.

***

Last night, I made a blade roast. I got started a bit late, and was eager to eat it, so I didn’t let it cook long enough. Usually when you cook that kind of meat, it just falls off the bone after a good 5-6 hours in the oven; unfortunately, I wasn’t patient enough and the end result was tough meat. It was still edible, and had a good flavour (I used a molasses and brown sugar glaze), but I would have liked it had it been more tender. Next time, I suppose.

I didn't make this particular crème brulée, nor did I take this picture. (Thanks, Food Network!)

I also made crème brulée last night. It was the first time eating crème brulée, let alone making it. I made my roommate/best friend (henceforth to be known as The Wife) try it, as she has had crème brulée before, and she said it was good but that it wasn’t solid enough. The recipe I did called for two hours of refrigeration, and of course I just couldn’t wait to eat it, so once again, it’s clear patience is not my best virtue. But! I have two other ramekins of crème brulée in the fridge right now, and I hope they’re better. I also had to use the broiler method once my redneck way of browning the tops with the barbecue lighter failed (I think I melted the lighter!).

The broiler method is OK, but I sure would like a kitchen torch. But… I sure would like a lot of things. Like: a Kitchenaid stand mixer, better pots and pans, a Dutch oven (not the stinky kind, thanks), a good knife set, a rolling pin that will stop destroying my pie crusts, a set of roasting pans, a cake stand, a cupcake stand and more cupboard space to store all these things. OK? Thanks.